8 Reasons Vegan Thanksgiving Is Fucking Stupid

by / Sunday, 23 November 2014 / Published in Lifestyle, Thanksgiving, vegan

A-family-celebrates-Thank-007 copy copy

We’re sick of people shoving that vegan shit down our throats. We’re eating a turkey this year. “Why should you eat turkey this year,” you ask?

 

 

1. Because it’s cool how they cut the turkeys beaks off like that.

Turkey Beak 8 reasons vegan thanksgiving is fucking stupid Vegan Bros

 

2. Awesome, compassionate celebrities like Ellen Degeneres, Carrie Underwood, Joaquin Phoenix, Bill Clinton, James Cameron, Woody Harrelson, Jared Leto and Russell Brand are vegan. And we don’t want to be like them.

Jared-Leto 8 reasons vegan thanksgiving is fucking stupid Vegan BrosEllen DeGeneres

 

3. The tradition of cooping a turkey up in her own feces and urine, unable to breathe fresh air, feel sun on her back, build a nest, or do anything else that’s natural to her is something we can all get behind on Thanksgiving.

Turkey Torture 8 reasons vegan thanksgiving is fucking stupid Vegan Bros

 

4. Why use coconut milk in your mashed potatoes when you could have pus, suffering, torture, and that good feeling you get knowing you’re drinking the milk of a different species.

Cow Puss 8 reasons vegan thanksgiving is fucking stupid Vegan Bros

 

[Tweet ” Why use coconut milk in your mashed potatoes when you could have puss, suffering, torture, and that good feeling you get knowing you’re drinking the milk of a different species”]

 

5. Eating Tofurky doesn’t involve the murder of a helpless animal, so it doesn’t taste as good.

Tofurky 8 reasons Vegan Thanksgiving is Fucking Stupid

 

6. Extending your circle of empathy and compassion is for pussies.

David Carter 8 reasons vegan thanksgiving is fucking stupid Vegan Bros

 

[Tweet “Extending your circle of empathy and compassion is for pussies.”]

 

7. Turkeys aren’t covered under the Humane Slaughter Act and many times will have their throats slit while fully conscious. That’s the kind of shit we like to celebrate on Thanksgiving!


 

8. Vegan Thanksgiving is now the cool thing to do. And we don’t want people to think we’re cool.

 

    Don’t Eat Vegan Thanksgiving:

Don't eat vegan thanksgiving 8 reasons vegan thanksgiving is fucking stupid Vegan Bros2

 

     Do Eat Vegan Thanksgiving:

cool vegan 8 reasons vegan thanksgiving is fucking stupid Vegan Bros

 

Captain obvious here. If you got through this article and didn’t grasp the fact that we’re joking, you’re weird.

Nearly everyone thinks it’s fucked up how turkeys are brutalized before becoming Thanksgiving dinner. Thankfully we can replace the turkey with something better.

There are so many delicious cruelty-free options. Gardein, Tofurky, and Field Roast all make amazing Thanksgiving roasts. And you can get many of them at your nearest grocery store.

 

 

Vegan Bros is a movement dedicated to raising up an army of fit, sexy vegan soldiers to spread the delicious, cruelty-free gospel of peace and compassion to a lost and dying world.

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  • Lidia Sabljic

    🙂

  • Veganbros, I’m a recent Veganbro recruit who’s super pumped about working with you guys. Thought I’d share some insight into point #6 above. You might want to change the word pussy to something like wimp or wuss. Pussies are incredible things, they take insane amounts of physical abuse then spring right back. I would actually like to be more of a pussy.

    • Pete, We lol’d and we agree!

      First of all, welcome to the Vegan Bros community. Excited to have you here.

      Second, we definitely understand what you mean. Pussy isn’t a word we typically use. It was mainly to mimic and make fun of what other people might say at times.

      Have a great day my friend

      • Nadine Ames

        Actually! Pussy doesn’t refer to the divine yoni but actually a short version of pusillanimous meaning “lacking courage or resolution; cowardly; faint-hearted; timid.” or “proceeding from or indicating a cowardly spirit.”

        So, pussy is still a go! 🙂

    • Mike

      Wuss is a combination of “wimp” and “pussy.”

    • In all fairness, pussy is the best term for someone who lacks the fortitude to make tough decisions, to do whats right, and often runs or flees.

      The next best term would be coward, but thats too logical to grab attention….

      So, pussy it is.

      And that leads right into the Minnesota version = scaredy-cat…

    • James

      Vegan Bros have no interest in changing their sexist tune. If you didn’t see the meme they just removed, it referred to men with vaginas as an insult. Which, is both an insult to women and transgendered men.

  • doc

    Bacon, bacon, bacon, beef, beef, beef, lamb, lamb, lamb. No one cares! Vegans are like religious people. Ok so you are vegan shut the fuck up about it already! You like eating bland processed food that is made to taste and look like meat. Well, I eat the real thing and don’t feel guilty about it. We are not the only meat eating species in the world. Vegans are doing just as much harm to the environment as meat eaters. Thousands or acres of rainforest is being destroyed to plant your soy bean plants to make your tofu and your other fake foods.

    • Tofu, tofu, tofu, tempeh, tempeh, tempeh, seitan, seitan, seitan. No need to get so angry there, big guy. But thanks for the comment.

      Good point about other species eating meat. True. But other species also rape each other. Do you think humans should rape each other as well? Should we base our morality on the way other animals act?

      Also, good point about the rain forest. But while it takes up to 16 pounds of corn, grain, and soybeans to produce 1 pound of meat. It only takes 1 pound of corn, grain, and soybeans to produce 1 pound of corn, grain, and soybeans when humans eat them directly.

      • doc

        Actually other species do rape each other. There is a species of monkeys that the males will rape each other. Also, there was an instance where there was a walrus that was raping a penguin. I’m fine with people being vegan vegetarian whatever. Like I said you people are like religious extremists. You are not going to convert everyone to veganism so why must you talk about it 24/7? Also, if the entire world did become vegan what would you have done with the over population of the animals that are no longer killed for consumption? We would run out of room for all these animals.

        • Hey Doc. Thanks for the response again.

          The point about rape was to point out that we shouldn’t do as animals do. Just because other animals eat meat and rape each other, doesn’t mean it’s ok for humans to eat meat and rape each other.

          And thanks for the question about animal overpopulation. Farm animals only exist because meat producers force them to breed. And they are only bred because people eat them. So as more and more people stop eating them, meat producers stop breeding more and more of them. It basically just comes down to supply and demand.

          Religious or not, we can all agree that confining an animal in a cage barely larger than her body for nearly her entire life is wrong, ripping and animals testicles off without painkillers is wrong, and slitting an animal’s throat while he is still fully conscious is wrong. And that is the reason is why many people eat vegan.

          • David Wyatt

            You guys are my heros!!!! I’m a proud vegan of 2 years, I feel better than I ever have before and love my life! Keep up the good work!

          • In all fairness, the practice of animal throat cutting is not necessarily the biggest issue, at least in my opinion.

            The biggest issue is the months of retarded conditions these poor creatures are forced to live in, the lack of sunlight, the unhygenic conditions.

            When a lion chases down a gazel, and cuts its carotid artery with the razor sharp fangs it possesses and then creates enough force to cause the animal to go unconcious and then bleed out without feeling pain, that is as natural as taking a shit in the woods.

            So if humans wanted to argue FOR eating meat, then it should be that they argue for strict laws governing how to cut an animals throat properly such that there is only a brief moment of pain.

            Now the shitty thing is, thats not profitable. That would also mean the months of torture would need to be removed from the process, and all these strict rule would result in a fucking skyrocketed price of meat.

            All the other points mentioned above by VeganBros are also true, testicles need not be ripped off. WHY WHY WHY!? Rape need not be committed… And essentially, the taste of meat can be reproduced, the smell, the texture, and the nutritional content can be amplified. Why would you not want to be able to eat more of this ‘super food’?

            Thats what I think most companies are scared of, this fucking super food coming out thats going to steal all their business.

            Its already happening with that mayo company and beyond meat.

            Uh oh. Wont be long till meat cost you 55$ a pound. Then everyone will be eating Soylent Green…

          • Drew Harper

            Hey Bros…you’re good guys, but to quote the prophet Ron White…’You just can’t fix stupid’ Thanks for trying with Doc though, good data points. My slogan for this Thanksgiving is “No Harm, No Foul”…puts a different spin on it

    • Maria Del Carmen Arteaga

      Are you serious? Someone haven’t done his homework: 1) 80% of the amazon rainforest deforestation is caused by cattle ranching. 2) it takes 2,000 gallons of fresh water to produce one gallon of milk. 3) all the food used to feed livestock can actually feed people, planet earth produces enough food (plant based) to feed 1.3 total human population, no one should be starving. 4) adopting a vegan diet is the most effective way to reduce your environmental footprint (more than recycling, saving water, etc).

      About not being the only species that eats meat, well, animals don’t have the level of consciousness to choose what to eat, not excuse for humans, you do have the choice.

      • doc

        Yes, I am serious. Also, you should use some proper grammar. “Someone haven’t done his homework.” That should be hasn’t, a singular. The deforestation of the amazon is for the development of soy beans. Yes, some of that is going to the meat industry but not all. Those soy beans are still being used for your tofu and other vegan foods. So what it takes 2,000 gallons of water to make a gallon of milk. Water is produced in the atmosphere and falls back to Earth. You say that adopting a vegan diet is the most effective way to reduce the environmental footprint. What would you do with all the over population of animals if every single person on Earth became a vegan? You would still have to provided more grazing lands and feed for the animals you are not killing.

        • Jason Walter

          You have a pretty big flaw in your argument here, doc. How exactly does eating meat help cut down on the animal population when the vast majority of the animals being consumed are being bred specifically for this purpose. If less people ate meat, the overpopulation wouldn’t exist in the first place.

          Additionally, before you talk shit on others’ grammar or reading comprehension, perhaps you should take another look at the prior comments, since you completely missed the point regarding other animals and rape. The point is that others species commit rape just as they eat meat. Should rape be acceptable for humans as well since eating meat is?

          Btw… I currently eat meat, though I have gone through points in my life where I didn’t. I’m not joining in to preach about the reasons you should be vegan, though if I did you probably wouldn’t be smart enough to grasp it anyway. I’m just chiming in to let you know that your arguments are stupid and even others that eat meat can see it.

          P.S. If you’re going to refer to the Amazon, you should probably capitalize it. And I’m not sure when 80% came to mean “all,” so you should probably freahen up on your Math skills too.

          • doc

            Cool story bro. I guess you fail to realize if you don’t control the animal population, because a majority of the animals bred, don’t have any natural predators other than humans, to keep them in check.

          • lol! Doc, you’re too much.

          • Jeff Hicks

            I can’t believe I read through most of that. I’m half convinced this guy was trolling.

          • Mark

            That’s very polite of you boys. I’d be much more inclined to say “fuck off Doc, go on, just fuck off”. But I suppose that’s just me.

          • Keep in mind, this whole dialogue stays up as long as the us government doesn’t decide to take it down… So, we will all look back on this ‘conversation’ in the future and giggle to ourselves as we eat our Tofurky for thanks giving…

            Fact of the matter is that it doesn’t fucking matter.

            There are early adopters, late adopters, laggards, and idiots.

            I won’t say who is who, what I can tell you though is that more and more evidence is pointing to a vegan world than not.

            Whats funny is, (doc, have you seen Soylent green?), thats what our world will look like when we continue to allow corporations to control the laws and keep Growin’ Dem Fuckin Cows… (and thats GROWIN’ not Raisin’)

            The real issue is that business is the overall focus.

            Its not fucking vegan vs. my way of life.

            That is completely arbitrary. Think about it!

            Would you really want to live in a world where there isn’t enough water on the planet to drink, where prices on water skyrocket to $1000 a cup? Where your biggest issue isn’t how are you getting to work but rather why the FUCK are a bunch of FUCKING cow getting to drink the water that me and my family need?!

            If the animal overpopulation trend continues its simply the law of supply and demand.

            YOU SHOULD BE MORE SELFISH THAN THAT! Think about your kids! They may live to see that FUCKED UP reality actually come to fruition.

            Ahem.

            So whether you go full ‘vegan’ (veg-etari-an) or not. Doesn’t matter.

            We don’t need you.

            So your welcome to keep on being ignorant, or keep on diving down the rabbit whole.

            Your choice.

            BUUUUUT…

            What I do know, is that by being here in the first place, your at least curious. 😉

            Maybe a bit scared to admit it, maybe a bit worried for your safety and health to try it.

            I’ll admit, at one point I was thinking to myself (holy shit, i’ve depleted my b12 stores, I’m gonna suffer brain damage now.. or worse..) Then I bought some b12 supplements and i’m fine…

            But a plant based diet (90+% of plant foods) could in fact improve your health, AND help to improve the situation we be in on dis fuckin big turd floatin in space.

            But who knows. Maybe that big ass fuckin astroid will crash into the planet tomorrow, and the 30 minutes I spent writing this puke will be all for naught.

            Oh well. I’m gonna go hang myself now… #Vegans are #depressed.

            p.s. i’m not kidding.

            p.p.s I figure I should probably say I am actually kidding… I guess 😉

          • James

            Doc, just stop it. You’re making a fool of yourself. The vast majority of plant-based food on the planet (including soybeans) is farmed specifically to feed the animals that you eat. If you’re going to talk about soy production like it’s a bad thing, remember that it’s people who eat meat who are responsible for the vast majority of soy cultivation.

            So what if they don’t have any natural predators? If we don’t breed them, there won’t be so many. The only reason they exist in massive numbers is because we breed them specifically to enslave, confine, harm and kill them. All without necessity. That cannot be logically justified on an ethical basis.

            And we will not stop talking about it. If we have to put up with all the pro-meat propaganda, all the advertisements telling people to exploit and kill animals, you’re gonna have to put up with us saying “actually, we don’t need to enslave and harm these animals, so maybe we shouldn’t”.

            Deal with it.

          • doc

            I only eat grass fed free range beef. Also, animals will still breed if we intervene or not. Do you kill insects?

          • James

            I’m sure those “free-range”, “grass-fed” cows are totally happy with having their throats sliced open then. As long as the torture is lessened and they get to eat grass, they LOVE the slaughterhouse, I’m sure…

            Yes, they will, at natural rates. Like all other animals. As it stands, 150 BILLION animals are killed by humans for “food” ANNUALLY. We are the reason that number is so high. We are the problem entirely, as a species.

            And no, I don’t.

        • Joshua Dumesnil

          Hey doctor. How much are the meat and dairy industries paying you to write all this? I promise we’ll pay double. Stay away from the dark side! We’ll pay you with money, hugs, positivity, cuddle sessions, and rainbows every day😊😊😀. I believe in you!

    • Jenn

      I am vegan, and I assure you the food is far from bland! The sauces and spices people use on meat is made from plants! There are many delicious vegan foods that are not made to look like meat, many of which I am sure you enjoy as well without even realizing it.

    • Frederick Remus

      the vast majority of soy grown goes to feed cattle.
      the rainforest is being destroyed to supply americans with cheap burgers.

      • Enough with the fuckin’ facts please. Just post a link to cowspiracy or something.

    • Christy

      Unfortunately, so many people are blind to the true problems in the world. Meat eaters use up to more that 160% more land resources than plant based eaters. The land being destroyed in our rainforests is to provide food for the livestock that live there. In my research, I have found studies that show that up to 35% of habitable land is taken up by livestock. That is HUGE! Not to mention that cattle is the #1 destroyer of our planet. Animal agriculture is responsible for more than 50% of our greenhouse gas emissions. All these statistics show that a meat based diet is not only bad for our health, but also for our planet. If we continue to grow the meat based diet, we will be knowingly destroying our planet. I took the time to write this, as many did here in hopes that you will take the time to think about the future for our planet and what you can do to make a difference. It takes very little research to find all the information mentioned and there are many documentaries that are worth watching to learn more.

    • Luke smith

      soy beans are fed to cattle dude… thats one of the main reasons animal agriculture is so detremental. Dung beetles eat shit, wanna follow me to the toilet and help yourself??

  • Mike

    I just want to let you know that “puss” and “pus” are very, very different. You should really edit that bit.

    • Mike

      (re: #4)

    • Thanks big guy. We’re going to go ahead and change that now. Nothing to see here folks.

  • Jan Carrie Steven

    I have just found about about Vegan Bros and I LOVE IT! I’m a vegan and a gym-rat and a grannie. My hubs and I (also vegan) are often the oldest people in our pump and spin classes – and we are delighted we can do this.

  • Alexander Baskin

    I was really surprise when I saw my picture of Tofurky that we made with my wife few years ago 🙂

  • Jessica Scholtz

    I’ve been Vegan for 5 months now, Paleo to Vegan overnight really was a shock to all. My family has slowly transitioned to a plant based lifestyle recently too and has been loving it.

    Love this post! I get tons of shit from my co-workers about how it’s not Thanksgiving without the turkey. My response is usually along the lines of “I’m thankful to have the common sense to have the compassion not to eat another being on Thursday. If turkey is what it’s about, your priorities are messed up” . Plus, it’s all about the side dishes for me 🙂
    Also, took my daughter to Farm Sanctuary yesterday to show her the Turkey’s we sponsored.

    Anyway, love you two.

  • Tracey Coccarelli

    Vegan bros u are awesome and I love u! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  • Alex

    I would much rather be at the “Don’t Eat Vegan Thanksgiving” table. Mocking tradition is no way to convince people to join your vegan point of view. Thanksgiving and its turkey have been part of our heritage as Americans for decades. It would be like having Christmas without a Christmas tree because your trying to save the a few pine trees. This webpage failed to convince me to not eat turkey this Thanksgiving. Writing this comment has made me hungry; I think I am in the mood for turkey 😉

    • Joshua Dumesnil

      So go eat one lol. Whats staggering is you took time out of your day to write that paragraph lol

    • rooiwaldeck

      Heritage! In Africa part of one tribe’s heritage is for a young girl to go and sleep with as many men as possible and choose her husband from there. Just because it is heritage does not mean you must follow it nor that it is the right thing to do. Come on Alex.

  • Trisha “Pippi” Paniczko

    I am not going to preach whether or not we should or should not eat turkey for Thanksgiving. My personal choice is that I will NOT eat turkey. To everyone who will be eating turkey (or any other meat), PLEASE keep reading. While you are all sitting around the dinner table ready to consume your holiday favorite, please say a Prayer of Thanks. Thank the turkey for giving his life so that you can enjoy your traditional meal. I’m NOT being condescending or trying to make you feel bad. It’s just that I understand what some of you are saying. It’s the one meal out of the year where turkey is what “makes the whole thing come together.” That may be true for some. If it is, just thank the turkey. There are some cultures who actually do say of a prayer of thanks for the animal they kill so that they can eat. And EVERYONE should be grateful for all we have and I wish a “Happy Thanksgiving” to all.

  • Derek Powles

    Biting, hilarious satire. You totally convinced me with your holier than thou smug bullshit. I’m going vegan so I can show I care and be a snobby prick about it.

    • rooiwaldeck

      Me too, me too!!! lol 🙂

  • Simon Cat Parnell

    Would you like to know why people think Vegans are cunts?

    1. Not all turkeys have their beaks cut off. That would be factory produced Turkeys – not all turkeys have this happen = your argument is therefore fallacious. Corporate production is at fault not eating meat.

    2. Celebrity? Grow up

    3. Same issue as 1.

    4. Same issue as 1

    5. It does, mass crop growing destroys ecosystems as much as mass meat production, which is basically issue 1.

    6. Compassion means making difficult choices not pandering to simplistic ideas to impress women who put out easily because a guy is a “vegan”, “spiritual” etc. Global food production, not veganism is where the problem of all of the above lie. Veganism, is tokenism and will not solve the problem because the same producers are still making everything. Vegans and their interest in where their food is coming from are however a step in the right direction. They are, just like Christians, missing the point because it isn’t as easy as just claiming the moral high ground.

    7. Same as issue 1.

    8. Playing the martyr is one of the worst things a vegan can do, vegans are not suffering, nor are they under threat.
    Please. If you are a vegan, drop the religious, lifestyle approach because it is stunting the development of a genuine food revolution that will surpass veganism and become something greater that will actual cause less harm

    • LOL!

    • rooiwaldeck

      Hi Simon, you sound quite angry mate. Firstly Veganism is not a Religion it is a philosophy. I personally am an Atheist but that does not stop me from trying to do what is morally and ethically correct. I agree with you that not all animals are factory animals and conversely not all veggies are GMO and pesticide sprayed etc. You have the corporate money grabbing industry one the one side but on the other side also the organic farmer (the minority unfortunately).
      After being sick and tired of the abuse the planet is taking from us, the corporates, oil industry, hunting, breeding animals on mass etc. etc. etc. to name a few, I decided to take a stand and did all the necessary research in order to get my facts in oreder, both for and against, as well as the health issues to be Vegan.
      My conclusion, Vegan rocks. I am a mountain biker, runner and rock climber and my strength as well as stamina as well as mental strength has improved, so the proof is in the pudding. And that is just physically, not including your mental freedom and knowing that you, in your small way are part of a revolution that is unstoppable (like it or not mate).
      I suggest you do a lot of research before you carry on with your knee jerk reactions, it does not reflect well on you or your cause.
      I/we can send you many links that you can follow and digest in your own time. And you know what, try going without meat for a week or just cut out chicken or milk or so and I promise you your approach to life will change for the better.

  • mutton_man

    You’re right, those are good reasons as to why vegan Thanksgiving is stupid…

    (FYI the people in that first picture are the ones who built this country with hard work and sacrifice, and didn’t care about being “cool”, while you douchebags are living in your parents basements bitching on Twitter about how you’re gonna move to Canada after Trump won the election.)

    • rooiwaldeck

      Mr mutton, I am from South Africa, and for your narrow little USA mind you are actually on the WWW with emphasis on World Wide. Please also consider the conditions a 100 years ago were far different from now therefore the move away from hunting, eating animals etc etc. You don’t have to come from the great depression to have suffered and come from a disadvantaged background by the way. But regardless of your standing in life OR how poor or rich you, you ALWAYS have a choice. I/we are NOT vegan to be cool, but we are cool because, well, we just are. PS. veganism is not a diet, it is a philosophy, a way of life.
      Good luck with Trump, we have a corrupt idiot for a President this side so I guess we all have some sort of Political bs to deal with.

  • Drew Harper

    Bros….Keep up the good fight and remember the sage advice of the Prophet Ron White when he says…”You just can’t fix stupid.”

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